The last few days haven’t been great. You can insert your comiserating experiences –> here <—. Last night I laid down on the patio couch and stared at the wall for a good 30 minutes because I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was caught between the things I needed to do (clean the house, finish laundry) and the things I wanted to do (take NyQuil and get knocked the eff out). So I ended up staring at the wall.
You see, both of my grandfathers have been ill. One, more chronically (throat cancer) and the other, acutely (double pneumonia…which also means…pneumonia in both lungs). My mom had foot surgery last week and isn’t her usual jumpy happy skippy self. I’m absolutely certain my husband is depressed because he played bad golf on Sunday. Also, my future sister-in-law has been dealing with a bunch of stuff from her end…cancery and sad things too. I have this horrible habit of taking on everyone’s emotions and trying to sort them out myself. Which is probably why I ended up staring at the wall last night. I am finding it hard to do the simple things, like get up, get dressed, and be motivated to work/function like a normal human.
A river of freaking tears pours out of my eyeball sockets and ducts and lashes and possibly my eyebrows. My best friend bought me a bagel from my favorite bagel place and put it on my desk with a nice note because she loves me and knew I needed to hear it. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself because “all my friends are moving away” and I’ve been desperately trying to cling to the 1 or 2 people I have “left.” I realize now I’ve been looking at it all wrong. I have people. Not zero people. And that’s good.
I like how when I’m on the brink (and this has happened before, recently) something always brings me back. I’m sorry this blog posting is so self-indulgent. But seriously, other than how-to or self-help or whatever blogs-with-a-dash there are, these are all pretty much for ego boosting, emotion purging, opinion flinging, or what have you for yourself. And along the way you hope to help or enterain someone. Today, I’m ok with just helping me. So meh.
PS to Amanda……..I hate people. 🙂
After saying to someone that it scared me how much I was OK with just staring at the wall, I was informed that me staring at the wall was just “meditating” and that it’s ok to do that. I may do more staring at the wall, if this is the case.