The last few days haven’t been great. You can insert your comiserating experiences –> here <—. Last night I laid down on the patio couch and stared at the wall for a good 30 minutes because I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was caught between the things I needed to do (clean the house, finish laundry) and the things I wanted to do (take NyQuil and get knocked the eff out). So I ended up staring at the wall.
You see, both of my grandfathers have been ill. One, more chronically (throat cancer) and the other, acutely (double pneumonia…which also means…pneumonia in both lungs). My mom had foot surgery last week and isn’t her usual jumpy happy skippy self. I’m absolutely certain my husband is depressed because he played bad golf on Sunday. Also, my future sister-in-law has been dealing with a bunch of stuff from her end…cancery and sad things too. I have this horrible habit of taking on everyone’s emotions and trying to sort them out myself. Which is probably why I ended up staring at the wall last night. I am finding it hard to do the simple things, like get up, get dressed, and be motivated to work/function like a normal human.
Then, this morning, I come into my office and I find this on a specially delivered Einstein Bagel:
A river of freaking tears pours out of my eyeball sockets and ducts and lashes and possibly my eyebrows. My best friend bought me a bagel from my favorite bagel place and put it on my desk with a nice note because she loves me and knew I needed to hear it. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself because “all my friends are moving away” and I’ve been desperately trying to cling to the 1 or 2 people I have “left.” I realize now I’ve been looking at it all wrong. I have people. Not zero people. And that’s good.
Then, hours later, and totally unprovoked, I get this gem:
I like how when I’m on the brink (and this has happened before, recently) something always brings me back. I’m sorry this blog posting is so self-indulgent. But seriously, other than how-to or self-help or whatever blogs-with-a-dash there are, these are all pretty much for ego boosting, emotion purging, opinion flinging, or what have you for yourself. And along the way you hope to help or enterain someone. Today, I’m ok with just helping me. So meh.
PS to Amanda……..I hate people. 🙂
Updated 3:21pm
After saying to someone that it scared me how much I was OK with just staring at the wall, I was informed that me staring at the wall was just “meditating” and that it’s ok to do that. I may do more staring at the wall, if this is the case.
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can i make a sign and post on my cubicle that says, I hate people?
I think it’s time.
what? it’s time to go home? awesome! LOL
I wanted to say something profound or funny but I find myself feeling your pain instead. Maybe because I’ve had too much of the same things going on in my family for the past several months. I find myself detaching more and more in order to cope and not go crazy with everything that’s happening around me. What helps me through it is that my man supports and loves me and he makes me laugh. The other thing that helps are my kids. They make me laugh so much. So that’s what I try to focus on when things are rough… just laugh with those that love you and try to make the best of the circumstances. It’s not always easy and doesn’t work all the time, but for the most part…. it works for me.
Thanks Christin. I feel you on the detachment. It’s do easy to just cling to that blank wall and move along…
Yes, it is. I can only do so much and the rest I put in God’s hands now and pray that it works out the way it’s suppose to. Please know that I’m praying for your family as well… swift recoveries and so on.
Sounds like you got a great best friend. I’m so sorry to hear about your Papas being ill.