All the Hyperbole

I love to talk in hyperbole.

I do it all day, every day, on every topic, ALL THE TIME.  Do I have 5 things to do today?  Probably, but I’m going to tell you I have 589297 things to do.  Am I tired?  Yes, but I will always be the most tired person you have ever met in your life and if I don’t sleep tonight I’m going to turn into a zombie and eat your brains.  A little angry?  Possibly, but I’m going to threaten bodily harm even if you just forgot to give me that paper clip I asked for 5 minutes ago.  You could have also murdered my rabbit.  Same level of anger.  Face punch.

At times, this will get me in trouble.  I’ll say something dramatic, and the person to whom I’m speaking will think I’m serious.  This is especially dangerous at work.  If your supervisor asks you if you have time to do a task, you should probably not say that you have negative hours in the day because of all the work you do, and just say, sure.  And then get to it when you can.  Or if you tell a coworker that you’re so stressed out that you want to set the building on fire, they may stay away from you the rest of the week.

Younger people are “like, 12” and older people are 157 years old.  The former was accurately portrayed in the below someecard.

12

All this talk is pretty much the exact opposite of my life.  There is no extreme in it, whatsoever.  I go to work daily, church weekly, and vacation on occasion.  I have a child that I drop off and pick up from school every day. The wildest thing I do in a month is going to bunco.  I imagine many of you live similar lives.  I’m also not as big of a jerk as I used to be.  Some of you can attest to that.  I used to be a huge mean sarcastic jerk, but the kind you wanted to have say things to people, because it was never directed at you.

Does the hyperbole make me feel alive?  Yes.  Am I using it incorrectly?  ALL THE TIME.  Do I care?  Nope.  OK, maybe I care when someone says they will LITERALLY DIE if something happens/doesn’t happen.  I don’t do that.  Well, not really.

hyperbole-hoodie_design

PS, I just told a person about this blog, and she said I should put something about jumbo shrimp.  I facepalmed SO HARD.  Facedesk even.  Double facepalm.  ALL THE FACEPALM.

double facepalm

Jobs I’d Rather Have

How many of us can look at another human in the face and say “I love my job”?  I’d be willing to be that about 89.5% of us would not be able to.  Maybe I’m cynical.  I’m sure you will all tell me if I’m wrong.  Let’s take a poll.

As I sit here with my current job that is causing me to have ulcers and chest pain, I got to daydreaming about real jobs I’d rather have.  I’m not going to limit myself here…and I’m even going to make new jobs that probably do not exist.    I’d also like to hear from  you – tell me what you’d rather be doing.

Job #1:  Professional Blogger.  This job, in fact, does exist.  I want to be Jenny Lawson or Jen Hatmaker.  Wait, do I need to change my name to Jennifer?   I want to run around in a Jenny Lawson skin coat and be hilarious.  If Jenny Lawson is reading this, I’m just kidding about Buffalo Bob-ing you and HIIAMAHUGEFAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If Jen Hatmaker is reading this, I think you are too precious to steal your skin.

Job #2: Book Reader Person.  I do this job already for free.  I would love to get paid just to read books.  But only books I want to read.  You want me to read The Fault In Our Stars?  PASS.  But I did read Perks of Being a Wallflower, and I cried enough for both books.  I could also be a “pressure your favorite author to finish the next book in the series” person.  HINT GEORGE R R MARTIN.  HINT.

Job #3:  Social Media Spelling and Grammar Corrector.  This job does not exist.  How do I know?  Because we have a generation of children that type-speak in SHORTHAND.  How busy is your life that you can’t spell out the one missing vowel from SUPR?  I’d also be on there/their/they’re watch.  And too/to/two.  I have to stop before my head explodes.

Job #4:  Fake Review Writer.  This job also exists, shamefully, however, I think I can get behind this.  I am excellent at hyperbole and imagery.  Any establishment would love to have me, good or bad.  Want me to trash your competitor?  OK!  Want me to tell everyone that despite health department reports, you do NOT have slime in the ice machine?  LET’S DO IT.

And finally, Job #5: Amateur Pinterest Pin Recreator.  I spend an obscene amount of time on Pinterest, especially in the humor section.  I do, however, love looking at food and crafts, and wondering if I could do that.  I would create a whole new section of Pinterest called:  Things that are impossible to make or Lower your expectations.  People would be forced to pin things that are  attainable by the average folk, and stop pinning all these gourmet-level recipes or expert crafts.  A filter, if you will.

So folks, here’s your chance.  Dream big.  Tell me what you’d want to do, even if it’s one of my top 5!